El Dupree, Selected Works, Volume 7 Alf the Poet, Editor Jason D Corley, from El Dupree on the Information Superhighway #2 - The Buddha Nature of Frobozz: > LOOK Trackless Desert You are somewhere in the midst of a trackless desert, dunes stretching away in every direction. You think Yuma is somewhere to the northeast, but as the sun is directly overhead, large and wide as Juanita Garcia's rear end, you cannot tell which direction is which. Pepito, your mule, looks at you with watery eyes. Pepito is carrying: saddlebags > INVENTORY You are carrying: a sombrero (being worn) reins (attached to Pepito) a gun belt (being worn) the gun belt contains: the corzappa a #9 headsack 2 #15 headsacks > LOOK INSIDE SADDLEBAGS The saddlebags contain: an empty bottle of whisky a frying pan a small padded bag the small padded bag contains: an egg a #97 headsack > GET PAN, EGG The frying pan: You heft the frying pan in your hands, thinking of the night Juanita hit you with it. The egg: Taken. > MEDITATE The sun is far too bright to meditate here. > WEAR #9 HEADSACK You are now wearing the #9 headsack. It is very cool and dark in here. > WAIT Time passes. > WAIT Time passes. > MEDITATE Time starts to pass, but you cut it off and laugh a great booming chuckle as it misses it's exit. In spite, the sun beats harder on your wide sombrero, the cheap sequins burning with heat. > WEAR FRYING PAN You put the frying pan on your head. This helps, but not much. > CRACK EGG INTO FRYING PAN The egg sizzles into the frying pan and soon the delicious smell of frying eggs fills the air. You hear Pepito shift and begin to unerringly saunter towards the eggs. > PUT HEADSACK ON PEPITO'S NOSE The #15 headsack slides perfectly onto Pepito's petite nose. Confused, he wanders around aimlessly, before settling down and merely standing again. The eggs smell great! > MEDITATE Time again fails to pass. You give it an F and send it through the third grade yet again. > MEDITATE Time fails to pass. You try to give it some Pepto-Bismol, but it will have none of it. > WAIT Time passes. And with the certainty of the enlightened, you know that someone else is standing before you, someone whose name is Maricella Espinosa, also known as the Hunter of Fried Eggs. You can hear her skirts rustle in the breeze that suddenly begins to blow. You can hear her sweet tongue swirl around her pert young lips, and you feel the heavy weight of the frying pan being lifted >from your head. [Your score has just gone up by 100 points. Go gettem, tiger!] > GET HEADSACK FROM SADDLEBAGS You feel your way along the reins to the saddlebags and heave out the enormous #97 headsack. At your feet you can hear the orgasmic cooing sounds of Maricella Espinosa, the Hunter of Fried Eggs, as she eats. > PUT HEADSACK ON MARICELLA [Your score has just gone up by 10 points. You are now Master of Cacti.] Maricella's noises become more muffled, and then, with the sound of vinyl sliding along vinyl, she kisses you through layers of dirt, slime and age, headsack to headsack. There is a rush of wind, and you know you are somewhere else. From the sound of it, Cleveland. Jason D Corley, from El Dupree on the Information Superhighway #3 - The Corzappa Master: > LOOK Somewhere You are somewhere in the world. Something is happening. Someone is here, saying something. > INVENTORY You are carrying: something something 2 somethings a something the something contains: the something something (being worn) something (attached to something) something (glowing with a soft something) > WHO AM I Someone. > WHAT IS THE OBJECT OF THE GAME Something. > MEDITATE Time passes and laughs as it does. > MEDITATE Time passes and spits on you as it goes by. > MEDITATE Time, enjoying itself, hawks up a tremendous loogie and heaves it in your direction as it passes. > RUB LOOGIE INTO EYES You begin to see clearly...[Your score has just gone up by 10.] Kitchen, Suburbia You are standing in a kitchen somewhere in unidentifiable Suburbia. How you got here is unclear, but there is an exit to the north. A woman appears at the kitchen door, shrieks and runs away! > INVENTORY You ain't got a thing. > NORTH Backyard, Suburbia The tire swing twirls around and around in the cool breeze. The sun here is different than in Mexico, smaller and more comforting. There is a garage to the east and you can re-enter the house to the south. You hear hysterical shouting coming from the house. > CLIMB ON SWING You are now on the tire swing. The tree branch groans under your tremendous weight. > SWING [Your score just went up by 10.] You pendulize. You hear the sound of keening sirens approaching as if from a great distance. > SWING [Your score just went up by 10.] You used to not have a thing. Now you do. > INVENTORY You are carrying a #10 gauge headsack. You hear squealing tires on the driveway. > PUT HEADSACK IN MOUTH You cram the headsack in your mouth. Two police officers, guns drawn, enter the backyard. One shouts "Freeze!" > SWING [Your score just went up by 10.] The tree limb breaks, rolling you to the feet of the police officers. One kicks you in the head. You go unconscious... Courtroom You are standing greasy and naked in a courtroom. The judge glares down at you. The judge says: "How do you plead, guilty or not guilty?" > MEDITATE Time, sitting in the courtroom audience, chuckles to itself. The judge says "If you do not answer, you will be remanded to custody as if you had pleaded guilty." > MEDITATE Time looks at the door of the courtroom as if waiting for something. The judge says "Well?" > WAIT Time passes. The door of the courtroom opens and a policeman enters, carrying the corzappa, still stained with the blood of the Wizard of Fort Huachuca. "We found this, your honor. He's a murderer." > WAIT The judge is visibly disgusted. He sentences you to death then and there. The Electric Chair The leather straps are really rather comfortable and you think the metal skullcap fits rather stylishly under your sombrero, which has magically reappeared. The chaplain is here. "Have you any last requests?" he says. > SPIT HEADSACK AT CHAPLAIN [Your score just went up by 100.] The chaplain is enlightened. "Here, let me," he says, and pulls the switch. [You have won. Would you like to restore a saved game, restart the game, or quit?]