El Dupree, Selected Works, Volume 6 Alf the Poet, Editor Lindsey Durway, from The Dupree Family History - The Cannery Years: Winston Churchill drove a Chevy Nova into Mexico. All of the locals made fun of it there ("no va" means "doesn't go" in Spanish), and he went back to England in a huff. That was the same Nova that El Dupree bought, some 18 years later, at Manuel Transmicion Used Cars in El Paso for $239.99, not including the racing stripe and extra headlight. The purchase was not driven by practical concerns, such as the Obstreperous Obesity's need to reach Mejavi Mai by sundown. No, indeed! The purchase was motivated more by Senor El Dupree's profound visceral attraction to the aesthetic qualities of the Nova, the ineffable yet undeniable grip that the car's Detroitesque beauty had on our hero's soul. To quote the Waif of Coconino with what are possibly his own words, "She looked good on blocks in front of the San Jacinto Cafeteria." Indeed, El Dupree was transported by the Nova in ways that we may never fully comprehend. Heckler and Curtis Yarvin, from The Rage of Dupree: El hedor de la ira corrompe la noche. Luz negra se desliza por las frias calles, alimentandose de rencor y furia. Enjaulada en una prision de costumbres y maneras, la colera muerde su propia cola. Aulla de dolor, y se ensana de nuevo en su carne. The iron head corrupted the night. Black light was deloused by the cold fries, rank and furry. Jailed in a prison of costumes and hands, the cholera marinated in its own cola. Howling with pain, it dreamed of new meat. La furia. La colera. La ira lleva nombre de mujer. Que ha destruido la serpiente emplumada, vil criatura empollada de un abceso de negaciones y mentiras? A donde fuiste, a quien mataste? The fur. The cholera. The iron woman's left thumb. Which had destroyed the plumed serpent, vile creature impaled by an abscess of negative manticores? Who foisted you on the clean killers? Gritos retumban bajo el aspero cielo. Retazos sangrientos de carne, que alguna vez fueron manos, atacan de nuevo la piedra. La serpiente, en alto, rie. Grits tumble beneath the rasping sky. Retasseling the bloody meat which once was hands, attacking the pie again. The serpent writhes above. La serpiente, relampago y espada de furia, cae hacia mi cara para devorarme. The serpent, relampreyed and sprayed with fur, drops ashes on my face to eat me. "Aspero amor, violeta coronada de espinas, Por que caminos y como entraste a mi alma?" "Rasping love, violet crowned with spines, Why are there roads in my entrails when I eat almonds?" Jason D Corley, from El Dupree on the Information Superhighway #1 - The Arizona Empire: > WHO AM I? You are El Dupree, fastest Buddha-nature in the West. > LOOK Main Street The dusty Main Street of Mesilla, Arizona stretches to the east. West you can see nothing but the trackless brown wasteland you crossed to get here. The sun beats down on your sombrero, and you sweat profusely. North, the doors of the Lotus Lasso saloon beckon you with the promise of drink. Jose Alvarez, the mayor, is taking a siesta here. > EXAMINE JOSE Jose is a short Mexican man wearing a dirty white shirt and a torn set of jeans. He has a star on his shirt, with the emblem "Sheriff" scratched out, and replaced with "Mayer" written in graphite pencil. He is sleeping and dreaming of the horses' fine long legs. > TAKE STAR You reach for the star, but Jose reaches out his arms in his sleep. He mutters something inaudible and turns over, crossing his arms across the star. > CURSE Your profanity fills the dry air. > NORTH Saloon The Lotus Lasso saloon is empty at this hour, though the shadows are cool on your face. The bartender wipes the bar and eyes you suspiciously. You see a bottle of Rotyergut whisky on the bar, inviting and nearly full. > TAKE WHISKY The bartender snarls "Fork over a dollar first mister." > INVENTORY You are carrying: a #32 headsack a #19 headsack a gun belt (being worn) Inside the gun belt you can see: the corzappa a sombrero (being worn) > BURP You let out a long, satisfying "Brrraaaaaaaaaaaaccccccck." > SCRATCH What do you want to scratch? > ME You scratch yourself in a maddeningly self-satisfied way. The bartender turns away in disgust. > PUT HEADSACK ON BARTENDER [Which headsack do you mean, the #32 headsack or the #19 headsack?] > 32 You quickly loop the #32 headsack over the bartender's head, pull the drawstrings closed and rear back before he can grab you! He fumbles with the headsack and emits sounds of rage and anger. > HIT THE BARTENDER WITH THE CORZAPPA You aren't carrying the corzappa. > GET CORZAPPA FROM BELT You pull the corzappa from your belt with a triumphant flourish. The bartender is nearly loose of the headsack! > HIT BARTENDER WITH CORZAPPA [Your score just went up by 10. You are now a Traveler.] The bartender, dazed, reels around behind the bar. > GET WHISKY Taken. The bartender, holding his head, staggers back and forth. > SOUTH Main Street > GIVE WHISKY TO JOSE In his sleep, Jose reaches out his arms for the bottle, murmuring "Madre, Madre..." He suckles the cool glass, liquid flowing down his throat. From within the saloon, you hear the bellowing rage of the bartender. > GET STAR You carefully detatch the star from Jose's shirt. The bartender charges through the door straight at you! > SHOW STAR TO BARTENDER The bartender is not so intent on your destruction that he would fail to notice that you now hold the star of the Mayer of Mesilla. However, he continues his headlong charge. The bartender is nearly upon you! > EAST Town Square The center of this small town is a crossroads, with the roads leading in the cardinal directions. To the northeast, the fading portico of the Town Hall rises above you. At the center of the crossroads is a low stone well. The bartender runs after you, shouting obscenities! > POINT AT "SHERIFF" The bartender looks at the crossed-out "Sheriff" only for a moment, and then continues his headlong charge. The bartender is nearly upon you! > POINT AT "MAYER" The bartender looks at the scratched "Mayer" only for a moment, as it twinkles in the bright afternoon sun, and then continues his headlong charge. The bartender is nearly upon you! > THROW STAR INTO WELL The star disappears into the well's inky depths. The bartender reaches your side! > WEAR #19 HEADSACK You are now wearing the #19 headsack. You hear, from outside the headsack, the bartender slowing, then stopping at the edge of the well. He ponders the reflective properties of law and politics, and their futility in the blackness of the well, and becomes enlightened. [Your score has just gone up by 10 points. You are now an Outlaw.] From piz!alf@afs.com Sun Nov 20 18:58:38 PST 1994 Article: 14549 of alt.buddha.short.fat.guy Newsgroups: alt.buddha.short.fat.guy Path: news.teleport.com!rainrgnews0!psgrain!nntp.ski.mskcc.org!psinntp!psinntp!psinntp!afs!piz!alf From: Alf the Poet Subject: El Dupree, Selected Works (part 7 of 10) Message-ID: <1994Nov16.053253.9981@piz.uucp> Sender: alf@piz.uucp Reply-To: Alf the Poet References: <1994Nov16.053214.9883@piz.uucp> Date: Wed, 16 Nov 1994 05:32:53 GMT Lines: 280 Jason D Corley, from El Dupree on the Information Superhighway #2 - The Buddha Nature of Frobozz: > LOOK Trackless Desert You are somewhere in the midst of a trackless desert, dunes stretching away in every direction. You think Yuma is somewhere to the northeast, but as the sun is directly overhead, large and wide as Juanita Garcia's rear end, you cannot tell which direction is which. Pepito, your mule, looks at you with watery eyes. Pepito is carrying: saddlebags > INVENTORY You are carrying: a sombrero (being worn) reins (attached to Pepito) a gun belt (being worn) the gun belt contains: the corzappa a #9 headsack 2 #15 headsacks > LOOK INSIDE SADDLEBAGS The saddlebags contain: an empty bottle of whisky a frying pan a small padded bag the small padded bag contains: an egg a #97 headsack > GET PAN, EGG The frying pan: You heft the frying pan in your hands, thinking of the night Juanita hit you with it. The egg: Taken. > MEDITATE The sun is far too bright to meditate here. > WEAR #9 HEADSACK You are now wearing the #9 headsack. It is very cool and dark in here. > WAIT Time passes. > WAIT Time passes. > MEDITATE Time starts to pass, but you cut it off and laugh a great booming chuckle as it misses it's exit. In spite, the sun beats harder on your wide sombrero, the cheap sequins burning with heat. > WEAR FRYING PAN You put the frying pan on your head. This helps, but not much. > CRACK EGG INTO FRYING PAN The egg sizzles into the frying pan and soon the delicious smell of frying eggs fills the air. You hear Pepito shift and begin to unerringly saunter towards the eggs. > PUT HEADSACK ON PEPITO'S NOSE The #15 headsack slides perfectly onto Pepito's petite nose. Confused, he wanders around aimlessly, before settling down and merely standing again. The eggs smell great! > MEDITATE Time again fails to pass. You give it an F and send it through the third grade yet again. > MEDITATE Time fails to pass. You try to give it some Pepto-Bismol, but it will have none of it. > WAIT Time passes. And with the certainty of the enlightened, you know that someone else is standing before you, someone whose name is Maricella Espinosa, also known as the Hunter of Fried Eggs. You can hear her skirts rustle in the breeze that suddenly begins to blow. You can hear her sweet tongue swirl around her pert young lips, and you feel the heavy weight of the frying pan being lifted >from your head. [Your score has just gone up by 100 points. Go gettem, tiger!] > GET HEADSACK FROM SADDLEBAGS You feel your way along the reins to the saddlebags and heave out the enormous #97 headsack. At your feet you can hear the orgasmic cooing sounds of Maricella Espinosa, the Hunter of Fried Eggs, as she eats. > PUT HEADSACK ON MARICELLA [Your score has just gone up by 10 points. You are now Master of Cacti.] Maricella's noises become more muffled, and then, with the sound of vinyl sliding along vinyl, she kisses you through layers of dirt, slime and age, headsack to headsack. There is a rush of wind, and you know you are somewhere else. From the sound of it, Cleveland. Jason D Corley, from El Dupree on the Information Superhighway #3 - The Corzappa Master: > LOOK Somewhere You are somewhere in the world. Something is happening. Someone is here, saying something. > INVENTORY You are carrying: something something 2 somethings a something the something contains: the something something (being worn) something (attached to something) something (glowing with a soft something) > WHO AM I Someone. > WHAT IS THE OBJECT OF THE GAME Something. > MEDITATE Time passes and laughs as it does. > MEDITATE Time passes and spits on you as it goes by. > MEDITATE Time, enjoying itself, hawks up a tremendous loogie and heaves it in your direction as it passes. > RUB LOOGIE INTO EYES You begin to see clearly...[Your score has just gone up by 10.] Kitchen, Suburbia You are standing in a kitchen somewhere in unidentifiable Suburbia. How you got here is unclear, but there is an exit to the north. A woman appears at the kitchen door, shrieks and runs away! > INVENTORY You ain't got a thing. > NORTH Backyard, Suburbia The tire swing twirls around and around in the cool breeze. The sun here is different than in Mexico, smaller and more comforting. There is a garage to the east and you can re-enter the house to the south. You hear hysterical shouting coming from the house. > CLIMB ON SWING You are now on the tire swing. The tree branch groans under your tremendous weight. > SWING [Your score just went up by 10.] You pendulize. You hear the sound of keening sirens approaching as if from a great distance. > SWING [Your score just went up by 10.] You used to not have a thing. Now you do. > INVENTORY You are carrying a #10 gauge headsack. You hear squealing tires on the driveway. > PUT HEADSACK IN MOUTH You cram the headsack in your mouth. Two police officers, guns drawn, enter the backyard. One shouts "Freeze!" > SWING [Your score just went up by 10.] The tree limb breaks, rolling you to the feet of the police officers. One kicks you in the head. You go unconscious... Courtroom You are standing greasy and naked in a courtroom. The judge glares down at you. The judge says: "How do you plead, guilty or not guilty?" > MEDITATE Time, sitting in the courtroom audience, chuckles to itself. The judge says "If you do not answer, you will be remanded to custody as if you had pleaded guilty." > MEDITATE Time looks at the door of the courtroom as if waiting for something. The judge says "Well?" > WAIT Time passes. The door of the courtroom opens and a policeman enters, carrying the corzappa, still stained with the blood of the Wizard of Fort Huachuca. "We found this, your honor. He's a murderer." > WAIT The judge is visibly disgusted. He sentences you to death then and there. The Electric Chair The leather straps are really rather comfortable and you think the metal skullcap fits rather stylishly under your sombrero, which has magically reappeared. The chaplain is here. "Have you any last requests?" he says. > SPIT HEADSACK AT CHAPLAIN [Your score just went up by 100.] The chaplain is enlightened. "Here, let me," he says, and pulls the switch. [You have won. Would you like to restore a saved game, restart the game, or quit?] From piz!alf@afs.com Sun Nov 20 18:59:18 PST 1994 Article: 14548 of alt.buddha.short.fat.guy Newsgroups: alt.buddha.short.fat.guy Path: news.teleport.com!rainrgnews0!psgrain!nntp.ski.mskcc.org!psinntp!psinntp!psinntp!afs!piz!alf From: Alf the Poet Subject: El Dupree, Selected Works (part 6 of 10) Message-ID: <1994Nov16.053214.9883@piz.uucp> Sender: alf@piz.uucp Reply-To: Alf the Poet References: <1994Nov16.053056.9695@piz.uucp> Date: Wed, 16 Nov 1994 05:32:14 GMT Lines: 233 Lindsey Durway, from The Dupree Family History - The Cannery Years: Winston Churchill drove a Chevy Nova into Mexico. All of the locals made fun of it there ("no va" means "doesn't go" in Spanish), and he went back to England in a huff. That was the same Nova that El Dupree bought, some 18 years later, at Manuel Transmicion Used Cars in El Paso for $239.99, not including the racing stripe and extra headlight. The purchase was not driven by practical concerns, such as the Obstreperous Obesity's need to reach Mejavi Mai by sundown. No, indeed! The purchase was motivated more by Senor El Dupree's profound visceral attraction to the aesthetic qualities of the Nova, the ineffable yet undeniable grip that the car's Detroitesque beauty had on our hero's soul. To quote the Waif of Coconino with what are possibly his own words, "She looked good on blocks in front of the San Jacinto Cafeteria." Indeed, El Dupree was transported by the Nova in ways that we may never fully comprehend. Heckler and Curtis Yarvin, from The Rage of Dupree: El hedor de la ira corrompe la noche. Luz negra se desliza por las frias calles, alimentandose de rencor y furia. Enjaulada en una prision de costumbres y maneras, la colera muerde su propia cola. Aulla de dolor, y se ensana de nuevo en su carne. The iron head corrupted the night. Black light was deloused by the cold fries, rank and furry. Jailed in a prison of costumes and hands, the cholera marinated in its own cola. Howling with pain, it dreamed of new meat. La furia. La colera. La ira lleva nombre de mujer. Que ha destruido la serpiente emplumada, vil criatura empollada de un abceso de negaciones y mentiras? A donde fuiste, a quien mataste? The fur. The cholera. The iron woman's left thumb. Which had destroyed the plumed serpent, vile creature impaled by an abscess of negative manticores? Who foisted you on the clean killers? Gritos retumban bajo el aspero cielo. Retazos sangrientos de carne, que alguna vez fueron manos, atacan de nuevo la piedra. La serpiente, en alto, rie. Grits tumble beneath the rasping sky. Retasseling the bloody meat which once was hands, attacking the pie again. The serpent writhes above. La serpiente, relampago y espada de furia, cae hacia mi cara para devorarme. The serpent, relampreyed and sprayed with fur, drops ashes on my face to eat me. "Aspero amor, violeta coronada de espinas, Por que caminos y como entraste a mi alma?" "Rasping love, violet crowned with spines, Why are there roads in my entrails when I eat almonds?" Jason D Corley, from El Dupree on the Information Superhighway #1 - The Arizona Empire: > WHO AM I? You are El Dupree, fastest Buddha-nature in the West. > LOOK Main Street The dusty Main Street of Mesilla, Arizona stretches to the east. West you can see nothing but the trackless brown wasteland you crossed to get here. The sun beats down on your sombrero, and you sweat profusely. North, the doors of the Lotus Lasso saloon beckon you with the promise of drink. Jose Alvarez, the mayor, is taking a siesta here. > EXAMINE JOSE Jose is a short Mexican man wearing a dirty white shirt and a torn set of jeans. He has a star on his shirt, with the emblem "Sheriff" scratched out, and replaced with "Mayer" written in graphite pencil. He is sleeping and dreaming of the horses' fine long legs. > TAKE STAR You reach for the star, but Jose reaches out his arms in his sleep. He mutters something inaudible and turns over, crossing his arms across the star. > CURSE Your profanity fills the dry air. > NORTH Saloon The Lotus Lasso saloon is empty at this hour, though the shadows are cool on your face. The bartender wipes the bar and eyes you suspiciously. You see a bottle of Rotyergut whisky on the bar, inviting and nearly full. > TAKE WHISKY The bartender snarls "Fork over a dollar first mister." > INVENTORY You are carrying: a #32 headsack a #19 headsack a gun belt (being worn) Inside the gun belt you can see: the corzappa a sombrero (being worn) > BURP You let out a long, satisfying "Brrraaaaaaaaaaaaccccccck." > SCRATCH What do you want to scratch? > ME You scratch yourself in a maddeningly self-satisfied way. The bartender turns away in disgust. > PUT HEADSACK ON BARTENDER [Which headsack do you mean, the #32 headsack or the #19 headsack?] > 32 You quickly loop the #32 headsack over the bartender's head, pull the drawstrings closed and rear back before he can grab you! He fumbles with the headsack and emits sounds of rage and anger. > HIT THE BARTENDER WITH THE CORZAPPA You aren't carrying the corzappa. > GET CORZAPPA FROM BELT You pull the corzappa from your belt with a triumphant flourish. The bartender is nearly loose of the headsack! > HIT BARTENDER WITH CORZAPPA [Your score just went up by 10. You are now a Traveler.] The bartender, dazed, reels around behind the bar. > GET WHISKY Taken. The bartender, holding his head, staggers back and forth. > SOUTH Main Street > GIVE WHISKY TO JOSE In his sleep, Jose reaches out his arms for the bottle, murmuring "Madre, Madre..." He suckles the cool glass, liquid flowing down his throat. From within the saloon, you hear the bellowing rage of the bartender. > GET STAR You carefully detatch the star from Jose's shirt. The bartender charges through the door straight at you! > SHOW STAR TO BARTENDER The bartender is not so intent on your destruction that he would fail to notice that you now hold the star of the Mayer of Mesilla. However, he continues his headlong charge. The bartender is nearly upon you! > EAST Town Square The center of this small town is a crossroads, with the roads leading in the cardinal directions. To the northeast, the fading portico of the Town Hall rises above you. At the center of the crossroads is a low stone well. The bartender runs after you, shouting obscenities! > POINT AT "SHERIFF" The bartender looks at the crossed-out "Sheriff" only for a moment, and then continues his headlong charge. The bartender is nearly upon you! > POINT AT "MAYER" The bartender looks at the scratched "Mayer" only for a moment, as it twinkles in the bright afternoon sun, and then continues his headlong charge. The bartender is nearly upon you! > THROW STAR INTO WELL The star disappears into the well's inky depths. The bartender reaches your side! > WEAR #19 HEADSACK You are now wearing the #19 headsack. You hear, from outside the headsack, the bartender slowing, then stopping at the edge of the well. He ponders the reflective properties of law and politics, and their futility in the blackness of the well, and becomes enlightened. [Your score has just gone up by 10 points. You are now an Outlaw.]