Stavros Krysiak aka Anh Minh writes:

I have received many letters asking me about the color of shit.
Is a particular color more enlightening?
 
This is a very delicate topic for it is a blend of color, odor
and texture that produces that "all enlightening shit."  I will
now write about color but keep in mind that getting the right
color is not the sole requirement for enlightenment, but there
have been occasions when it has been the source of enlightenment.
Don't mind the apparent contradictions.  This is non linear.
 
First of all, I wish to state my personal experiences with color.
I have shit from pure white to black and I have experienced the
infamous red shit.  When it is red or black this is a sign that
you need to contact a Bac Si.  In the West this is known as a
Medical doctor.  These people are not very enlightened but they
have an excellent money karma.  Bring much money with you for
they will transform the red shit to white shit during an x ray
procedure called Barium Colonics.  The Bac Si  is very learned
and always uses Barium Sulfate for Barium Sulfide will take you
to your next reincarnation unless you are enlightened.  After the
white shit, the Bac Si will give you herbs and chemicals to
transform the black or red shit to brown.  This is where the Bac
Si can make you enlightened, but he himself may not be
enlightened.  By following his advice, you will turn yours to the
enlightening brown color.  That is not to say black is not
enlightening.  You will be on the road to enlightenment.  The Bac
Si will be on the road to Miami with the money you paid him for
this transformation.
With the color established you are now ready for the practice of
enlightening colics.  Colonics are not the key to enlightenment
but they are usually found on the road to enlightenment.  When I
visited my grandmother if I sneezed or coughed, she would
immediately bring out the enema bag with soap and water.  Soon I
became enlightened and never sneezed or coughed in the presences
of my grandmother.  Sometimes colonics are used for odor
problems.  For this I must warn you to be very careful.  The New
Age people, who are not Buddhist, attempt to make their shit
smell like flowers.  They think it is enlightening if their shit
doesn't stink.  Beware of people, whose shit doesn't stink. They
are false Buddhas.  I nice firm, brown shit accompanied with its
earthy aroma can be very enlightening for a Buddhist, who has
learned to control his sphincter.  You don't want it to come out
too fast nor to slow.  This is another variable, speed. It has to
be just right.  You will know that you have all the components in
the correct amounts for when you have an enlightened shit, you
see god.
I recommend that you see a master of shit, if you truly wish to
be enlightened.  Do not actively seek a master of  shit.  When
the student is ready the master will appear.  They most often
appear in the ninth month of the year and usually disappear after
the second Tuesday of the eleventh month.  The most experienced
masters have the title INCUMBENT after they name.  You may decide
to follow one who claims to be a master of shit, but does not
have the title of incumbent.  If he is not good at flinging shit
he will disappear and often never appear again, because he
doesn't really know his shit.  You will have to wait for election
time for a new master to appear.
There are many other ways in which masters of shit appear.  One
easy method involves turning on the television set.  If you are a
serious student of the color of shit, the master Ted Tuner will
appear with 24 hours of colored shit.   He prides himself in
coloring the shit colorless shit, which comes out of Hollywood,
which is one of the major producers of shit in the Western World.
These masters are on the top of the pile.  Many people come from
the East to study under these masters.  It is not uncommon to see
many Japanese industrialists investing large amounts of money in
the shit masters work.  Some people will try to fool you telling
you that they produce good shit and other produce bad shit.
Remember shit is shit.  It is not good or bad.  Hollywood
produces shit.  That is all we can say.  Once in awhile they do
produce something that is known as great Shit.  Once again this
is not good nor bad it is simple great shit.
You must ask the question "Do I want great shit or enlightened
shit?"  If you choose the latter send $39.95 to the Anh Minh for
Volume 1 of the book SHIT - THE KEY TO ENLIGHTENMENT."   For the
first 1000 to purchase this book a scratch and sniff card and
introduction to the odor of enlightened shit will be sent
absolutely free.  Send money now.